Fish Tales

Keep 'em outside

When it comes to tracking mud in the house, lots of Singaporeans have it all figured out.

Let me explain.

It’s common practice for anyone entering a home to remove their shoes – before stepping through the door. Like on the porch or doorstep. And it’s kind of a big deal for many people.

I found this out the hard way when I arrived in Singapore during my first condo viewing.

The realtor knocked on the door. A tenant answered. Some pleasantries were exchanged in Mandarin and we were invited in. Being polite, the realtor prompted me to enter first… and of course I barged right in with my shoes on.

Oops. They both looked at me like I managed to kick the dog as well. But, that’s what I’m accustomed to in America. Step inside, then  ask the host if shoes should be removed. Not out on the porch.

Disaster at the other end of the hall

Keep shoes outside the home!

I like the Asian way better. Who wants to track loogies, dog poop, and all other sorts of yuckies into the house? Not me. When you stop to think about it, ick.

The only problem? Shoes tend to pile up outside the door and look, unsightly. Some residents in my building experience problems keeping all the shoes under control.

Anyway, we adopted the local custom and have a no-shoes household now, though we sometimes cheat and take them off right after we enter. And, for us, shoes still belong in the closet, not on the porch. Old habits are hard to break.

But, everything feels so much cleaner now.

I once heard someone describe Singapore as “Asia for Beginners”. It’s true. Most everyone here speaks some English.

About the English part.

With such a diverse population, everyone speaks the language a bit differently. And that introduces minor inconsistencies in words and their meanings. Most of the time it’s not a big deal. But, for whatever reason, a few words seem to… distract me. Much more than they should.

The words:

Pity (pĭt’ē) – Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune, distress or suffering of another leading one to give relief.

Where I’m from, this word isn’t generally used lightly. It denotes something not-so-good has happened. Someone, somewhere is hurting. But, I’ve found people in Singapore use it much more casually. For example, read this email I received last week:

Whoa… was it THAT bad he missed the call? Okay. Maybe it was.

Nice (nīs) – Of good character and reputation; respectable. Having a pleasant or attractive appearance.

Easy enough, right? Usually there aren’t problems with this word. People and some things are nice. Got it. Except, when it comes to describing food. Most everyone in Singapore uses this word and it just sounds off. Food is good or great, not nice… right? Another email:

Maybe it’s just me. But, nice or not, it distracts me every time.

Would (wuh d ) – A past tense, present participle of will. Used to express the future in past sentences.

Another common word. But, sometimes I hear it used in a different way I’m not so used to. One more email:

See what I mean? I’m not an English expert, but I think it should only be used as a conditional tense for “will” – to give advice, to explain hypothetical situations or to give tentative options. Using it like this introduces a sense of uncertainty for me. Like, maybe he will revert… but, I’m not so sure he will.

Gentle Reminder –

Okay, two words. But, I see this adjective + noun combination quite often in Singapore, especially in common, every-day type communication. Another email:

For me, I’m used to “gentile reminder” being associated with a somewhat awkward topic. Like, “Umm, just a gentle reminder… you may want to use deodorant for your B.O.” But, in the example above I have no idea why it calls for a gentle reminder. Why gentle?

Pizza & Singapore.

Not a combination of words I frequently use to describe a great dining experience. For whatever reason, Singapore struggles to make a good pizza. And, it’s not for a lack of trying. The island nation boasts about fifty pizza establishments. Unfortunately, all below average.

I’m not sure what the problem is. Are regional tastes and preferences THAT much different? Perhaps the bakers haven’t actually tried a top-notch New York pizza, meaning they just don’t know better? Or, maybe they believe they ARE making great pizzas?

I want to know. Would Singaporeans prefer a slice of American pizza or what they’ve already got here?

After nearly two years of asking this question, I thought I’d finally get an answer.

Why?

A Domino’s Pizza finally opened in Singapore! Hopefully, they would let me combine those two words into a positive statement.

Nope.

FAIL #1:

When I called for a pizza delivery they informed me I lived outside their delivery zone. What? How can that be? It’s less than two miles away. Okay, strange. But, I decided to try take-out later.

FAIL #2:

Singapore restaurants hate it when you try to go off-menu and change the prescribed offering. It’s beyond frustrating for me. Especially at places where, as an American, I’m used to mixing and matching to make it just right. It’s just not done that much. Anyway, my favorite pizza is pepperoni, onion, mushroom, green pepper and olive. It’s what I always try to order. But, I don’t always get. Why? It’s not a set, prescribed pizza on the menu.

Luckily, when I visited the www.dominos.com.sg website they offered a “Make Your Own” option. Awesome. There must be a catch. Yep. After adding my sauce, cheese and five favorite toppings I realized they added an $18 SGD “surcharge” that made my 9 inch pizza cost $47.80 SGD. That’s $35 USD, people. For a 9 inch thin crust pizza!

Whatever. I settled for the 12 inch “Extravaganza” for $29.80 SGD.

FAIL #3:

Pizza is expensive in Singapore. Almost double what I’m used to paying in the US.

FAIL #4:

Most restaurants here are way too stingy with toppings. And even sauce. I’ve resorted to almost begging for double or triple sauce. But, it doesn’t work. I get a pizza with a super thin coat of sauce and not enough toppings.

I thought Dominos might be different after I saw the “Extravaganza” on the website!

"Extravaganza"

But, that’s not what I got. Where are the veggie toppings? Sigh.

Not-So-"Extravaganza"

They must not have localized their advertising materials and are still using the American assets.

FAIL #5:

Beef pepperoni. Sorry, but it’s not pork pepperoni. Not even close. I get it. Some residents don’t eat pork for religious reasons, but others don’t eat beef. At least, make both options available.

FAIL #6:

It’s 2010. We just celebrated Earth Day. But, you’d never know it in Singapore. They use more plastic, styrofoam, and non-recyclable materials than you can imagine. And don’t even get me started on the lack of robust recycling programs. Anyway, Dominos didn’t break the trend.

They put my pizza box in a big, heavy plastic bag. Each napkin in its own plastic bag. Each red-pepper flake in a smaller plastic bag. My can of Coke in another plastic bag. Even my refrigerator magnet was in a separate plastic bag! In total, I walked out with one pizza and nine plastic bags. Nice.

A little pizza with your plastic?

FAIL #7:

The 30 minute delivery guarantee is way cool guys. Not something found in America anymore because of speeding delivery drivers hitting pedestrians and all. But, thanks for giving me a refrigerator magnet to remind me that you won’t deliver to my house.

Easy to remember number. Doesn't matter.

OKAY, NOT A FAIL:

The storefront and location is great. Retrofitted into an old colonial style shop-house building. Right next to one of my favorite Vietnamese restaurants.

Killiney Road shop-houses

Last week a visitor from the US asked me what grocery store items I missed most.  Ahh… where to start? There are so many things. Here’s a short-list:

		Cherry Coke Technically it’s ‘Coca Cola Cherry’. But no matter what you call it, you aren’t finding it in Singapore. It’s been my sad story for a while now.
		Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese There’s no such thing as extra sharp cheese in Singapore. And, sharp is nearly impossible to find. Just plain old cheddar. And, it’s usually white… not orange. Isn’t cheddar supposed to be orange?
		Oregon Berries I know, I know. You can find berries at the store in Singapore. But, they are not great. I’ve mostly given up, because it usually ends in disappointment. Once you’ve eaten picked-that-morning berries in Oregon, nothing else tastes quite as good.
		Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups It’s only the best combination of peanut butter and chocolate ever. Even the 7-11 around the corner doesn’t stock it. And, no, I’m not counting the not-so-sweet Canadian export version occasionally available. Nope, not gonna cut it.
		Barbara’s Jalapeño Cheese Puffs All natural. No artificial flavors, colors or preservatives. And they’re my favorite snack not found in Singapore.
		USDA Prime Top Sirloin Australian beef is certainly better than no beef. And, for sure, it’s the best option in Asia. But, nothing beats an American USDA Prime Top Sirloin steak. Don’t mess with Texas. Or the Midwest. Or anywhere in the US for that matter. Best. Beef. In. The. World.
		Kellogg’s Low Fat Granola The real breakfast of champions. Oh, how I miss this granola. Without raisins, of course.
		Yellow Corn Tortilla Chips They struggle with tortilla chips in Asia. Makes sense – it’s only an ocean away from Mexico. Sometimes you can find Tostitos Restaurant-Style white chips. But, give me my YELLOW corn chips, please.
		Great Harvest Bread Nothing beats fresh bread straight out of the Great Harvest bread ovens. Either plain whole wheat or five-grain. And, on Saturdays, the cinnamon rolls are tough to pass up.
		Red Baron Singles – Deep Dish Mini Pizzas These used to be my guilty little pleasure. Not anymore.
		High-Country Teriyaki Beef Jerky Okay, so maybe this is only found in Montana grocery stores. But, at least the High Country online store ships anywhere in the continental US. But, not to Singapore.
		Cherries I’ve already written about buying cherries in Singapore. Yes, the stores have cherries and, they are good. But, they are expensive, expensive, expensive! So, they are getting filed under not available here.
		Skor Another candy bar makes the list, but this is my favorite of all time. Hard butter toffee with a milk chocolate coating. No one in Asia has heard of it. Sorry state of affairs.
		Crest Regular Toothpaste It’s not something anyone spends much time thinking about. What, maybe a few minues a day? That is, until it doesn’t taste right. Then you think about it more. And it bugs you everytime you’re at the grocery store and all they sell are Colgate products.
		Advil Who wants to mess around with unknown brands when it comes to getting rid of a headache? No one, that’s who. Singapore has a pain killer called Panadol. It isn’t as effective. I’ll take the advanced medicine for pain!

So, there you have it. The top 15 items missing from my Singapore grocery store. And, I’m craving every one of them right now. Except the Advil, of course. But, I probably would be if I ate all that.

P.S. I do get great things in my Singapore grocery store that are not available back home. Like the most excellent mangoes ever. And great Thai fragrant rice. And tasty curry spices. And, many more things. So, this post isn’t a complaint… just a summary of my homesickness for familiar foods.

Stuffed tiger decoration

The Chinese lunar calendar doesn’t always seem to be fair. That is, at least when it comes to the animal zodiac associations.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with the ox.

But, how much more awesome is the tiger?

A lot more.

Tiger may be my second favorite zodiac animal.

But, what could be better tiger?

Dragon.

For sure, dragon beats tiger.

Chinese Lunar New Year is just around the corner. And that means Chinatown is all decked out with fancy decorations.

Welcome, Year of the Tiger!

Old colonial building behind hanging lanterns

Festive items & food sold in Chinatown

Dried fruits

Liquorice-flavored melon seeds

Old man singing

Here in Singapore, if you say, “does the line end here” people mostly just look at you with a confused look. That’s because it’s called a “queue” around these parts.

Sometimes the queues can be a bit frustrating.

Why?

Because they’re often long and move very slowly. Especially the taxi queues.

And there’s no reason for it.

Long taxi queue at Takashimaya

Instead of allowing multiple people to board multiple taxis simultaneously, the taxi queue directors only allow passengers to board one car at a time.

Argh.

It drives me crazy!

The queue can be a hundred people long, like at Takashimaya tonight… but, everyone still boards one car at a time.

Am I the ONLY person who notices the queue could move five times faster with a minor process change?

I miss lines. Queues are too slow.

That’s “Happy New Year” in case you don’t read Chinese. Appropriate for my second New Year’s Eve in Singapore, I’d say.

Welcome to 2010. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New Year's Eve fireworks from the apartment

One of my friends at work warned me to stay away from the shopping malls in Singapore on Christmas, but I didn’t heed her advice.

And, then paid the price.

Holy smokes!

I’ve never seen anything like it before. Literally, the Wisma Atria Mall walkways were jam-packed with people. Wall-to-wall. Front-to-back.

Apparently, the traditional “day after Christmas, rush the mall” activity common in America starts a day early here.

Or, perhaps it has something to do with stores offering great sales.

But, the only special deal I noticed was for huge crowds.

Christmas Day crowds @ Wisma Atria Mall

Three guys wondering why they didn't stay home

Bling! Bling!

Every Christmas season Singapore gets iced out. In a big way.

It’s flashy, over-the-top and beautiful all at the same time. And, you can almost hear that stereotypical sound as you roll down Orchard Road.

You need to see it to believe it. Hope this helps a bit…

Electric blue snowflake above Orchard Road

Electric blue snowflakes across Orchard Road (west)

Orchard ION shopping mall & Christmas tree

Thousands of blue orbs along Orchard Road

Christmas tree across Orchard Road (central)

Red stars across Orchard Road (east)

Thousands of red & white orbs along Orchard Road

Snowman orchestra - one of many carousels along Orchard Road

At our local drive-in restaurant, I always enjoyed watching the carhops roller skating from car to car. And marveling at how much they could carry without dropping anything.

That last part provided the most excitement. Not dropping anything.

How could that be?

So, a routine developed.

After spotting a medium-sized pebble, or other suitable debris, I would zone-in on that and hope for contact… and a resulting ’unfortunate accident’.

I wanted a crash. A big one with food flying everywhere!

Why? I have no idea. It’s probably related to watching too many Saturday morning cartoons. It was the 70s, and slapstick comedy ruled the airwaves. Plus, I had big hair – most likely accompanied by brown corduroy pants and an Incredible Hulk t-shirt. What did I know?

It just seemed like good entertainment.

But, it never happened. Ever.

So, I enjoyed my chocolate-dipped ice cream cone and saved my hatched notion for our next visit.

[flash forward to present day]

Last night, at the new 313@Sommerset Food Republic, those childhood memories resurfaced.

But, the game had changed. Good-bye roller skates. Hello Segway!

Food Republic beverage delivery girl

Like a learned behavior, I quickly scanned the environment looking for a weak link. A possible disruption. Anything.

But, being Singapore, there was nothing. Well, almost nothing.

I eyed the escalator nearby. The loooooong, moving escalator.

But, that would just be mean.

Right?